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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Jay's LiveJournal:

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Monday, May 23rd, 2005
11:37 am
So, 20% of my final grade was compiled today in the comptuer lab. Fun, fun.

I suppose I should be in margaritaville as half my finals were canceled. So I need to study for 2, instead of four which means I don't have to put down the wow-crack as much as I thought this finals week.

Is that good or bad?

Watch that video even if you don't play, its friggin' hilarious.

Current Mood: peaceout
8:22 am
you motherfuckers need jesus . . . and a set of devout shoulders
Well, its another shiney monday. For those of you who know me well, they aren't always my favorite. And for those of you who are in the same boat. . .this ones for you. PS- its work safe, but I recomend some volume control


At least I have chicken.

PPS- don't run this as your ring tone like bobby, only one person can be that. . .fresh.

Toddles, loves. . .its finals week.

Current Mood: but you. . . want god
Wednesday, May 18th, 2005
8:26 am
(I can go. . .with the flow)?
School this morning. . .i had 4 parking spots jacked.

Me: "Hey, are you leaving?"

Them: "Yeah"

Me: "Can I have your spot?"

Then: -blond moment- "Uh, yeah. . .sure."

End result they go to their spot, someone else beats me to it. Wash, rinse, repeat.

The highlight by far was when I followed one guy to his car, the usual happened. But! Someone else came to leave in the meantime right next ot him and there was another care in front of me at the time. End result? I lose out on two spaces.

But, our valiant class goer is not to be outdone! I got the rockstar spot right next to the bottom of the steps, so NYAH!

Anyway. . .time to try and russle up some midnight tix to SWIII.

Current Mood: calm, calm, we're calm
Tuesday, May 17th, 2005
12:37 am
whispers like memories/a vase of roses on the shelf
I'm not so secretly glad to me talking to ms. jasman again. =) =) =)

Current Mood: orbiting bed like the titanic
Monday, May 16th, 2005
10:33 am
drop kick the punks, call out the freaks
Man life is wacked out right now. Apparently someone visited in the night, body snatcher style, and took me into a starring role in the Twilight Zone.

1) GPA is looking like its going to be down at least 1 whole point this semester. Do I care? Not really: my parents might have a heart attack about me having 2 c's on my transcript. . .but then again thats why they don't see my transcript, isn't it?

2) wtf am I hanging out with people who are megmega younger than me? Well, strike that. Thats not the right question at all. wtf are people being asses lately and judgmental? aka- feel free to kiss my ass and pay more attention to your life.

So, numbers are like stairs. You can take the steps if you want or you can chill. So if someone is 19 or 21 and loves stairs vs. someone who is 26 is mr./ms. chill-o-operator, whats the difference? I'm not interested in people's characteristics, what their resume says. I'm an experience oriented person. Tell me whats on your mind. Tell me what you love, tell me what makes you happy. And lets go do that, 'cause I want to know how I feel about that. I'm not interested in how much money you make in a year or what your ego needs to make you get up in the morning and get to point B. Check that at the door, I don't want to know the parts that make you. . .thats the ol' forest-for-the-trees dealio. Thats, I'm in the conceptional boat. So. . .if you could have your people send that over to my people, that'd be great.

In the self examination category: There is a lot to be said about the parts that people wrap around their Self. I mean, its like choosing the fabric and pattern for the dress you're inspired to create. And while I see the creation as completely derivative of the Self, its still a representation. I find myself in the metaphorical bunker, living in Southern Califonia where people are more focused on the parts that make up someone's identity than on that person, feeling quite the outcast. So to be fair in the representation, I do need to make some peace and surround myself with things that are indicative of my Self. . .but balance pls, kk?

Current Mood: introspective/coffee pls
Tuesday, April 5th, 2005
10:45 am
its turning, turning around. . .
Rachel, rachel, rachel. Has it been five years? It seems longer and shorter.

We spent last night @ a lovely destination known as La Dulce Vida in the back alleys of upper crust La Jolla. We spent the evening over wine and food, recounting what we've been doing over the last five years. (I can still hear Thich Naht Hahn sayin- "its taken all your live for you to get where you are now") I like things like that- but I also feel at a loss for words to a certain extent. How can we possibly fill 7 people in on each others life over the last five years? Ironically I've been in San Diego the whole time and I was as interested as hearing about what all the current and past PB House residents have been up to as what Rachel has been up to.

The wachow and I spent the afternoon sipping on coffee at the Panakin and recounting our lives seperate and together. We made a stop down at the tide pools in order for her to continue her strange tradition of transporting hermit crabs to different tide pools. Interestingly- I discovered a mortal fear I have of things with shells and pincers, at least while they're under water. How embarrassing.

I miss rachel though- I loved how we could call her on our bullshit and sit around doing nothing for hours.

Hope to see her again soon =)

Btw- Hi again everyone! I've decided LJ is FTW again, so I'll bb on it more regularly, as slaying ogres on WoW permits.

Current Mood: vacation pls?
Monday, March 24th, 2003
1:46 am
the usual midnight tide
so, tonight midnight came around and i got that usual nagging lonliness, sence of vacancy, almost panic. It usually comes as I'm walking out the door to go home. A quick talk with Andy made things seem not so bad anymore, thanks for listening andy.

Current Mood: sad-tired-hopeful
Saturday, March 15th, 2003
12:47 pm
"sorry meg, no gay sex"
Great dreams last night. . .not sex dreams or anything like that, I just feel right. The mind is better, sometimes the subconscious really comes through in the clutch.
Thursday, August 22nd, 2002
11:26 am
funny that. . .
we fight over the phone and reach a point where we could reconsile, but because we're arguing over the phone, the issues linger. I know that if I saw her face it would be enough to make the illusion of problems wash away through the proper words. I used to think that the power of a loved one's face was wrong, illusury, it would make problems seems smaller, inimportant when they just were a few minutes ago. But now, I understand the power of love.
9:24 am
those left standing will make millions writing books about the way it should have been. . .
and in the morning its all faded away ,the events remain, but the emotions and opinions faded overnight. Where did my peace of mind go? I think I traded it in for a piece of my heart. . .

Current Mood: just woke up
2:02 am
i want to trade her in for a less legative, less stressful model. I'm tired of the stupid fights over nothing. I'm tired of having to deal with her shit. I'm tired of being tired and not being able to sleep because the stupid shit she said is on my mind. Feh.

Current Mood: Feh. and ugh too.
Sunday, August 18th, 2002
2:09 pm
Friday, August 16th, 2002
10:26 am
i love you/like it bitch
i came across a random thought today. . .about how the male ego achieves satisfaction through sex. In my case (since I'm one of the less adventurous of the bunch) its with women. I've always had the pressure of being a provider in relationships, its a pressure I take upon myself and I realize that I'm to be the genesis and the nurturer of my problems if i'm to find a happy medium with them in my life.

But, I'm beginning to digress! *smites ADD*

I think the dynamic can be over simplified to boy provides for girl, girl likes it, boy feels good about himself and continues providing. That just seems a bit shallow to me I guess, I know as with anythign there are layers and eddys to changed the dynamics of any interaction, I just don't know what they are (in this particular case) yet.

This also teeters closely on my questions about ego. I have a pretty low opinion of a needy ego. . .so I'm trying to develop a strong but not overpowering one. . .balance, balance, blah. Perhaps I shuld take some philo/psych classes about the ego. . .hmm. . .

end post.

Current Mood: should I write a song?
Tuesday, July 9th, 2002
11:38 am
gnutella (help!!)
so since napster went the way for the corporate dodo, i've been w/o music download capabilities. =(

but I have gnutella installed on my comp, but I just don't know which servers to list in order to connect and download songs. . .can somone help meh out? dankes.
Thursday, June 27th, 2002
11:38 pm
i wake up grinding my teeth. . .
. . .and thats how the day starts. So much purpose/pressure that I wake up antsy to get it over with. Thats not the disposition I really want to have. . .
. . .and I was really close to deciding not to open my brain up onto this thing again. . .to keep thoughts inside my head, to let them become ordered, cram everything in and let things crash bang pow off each other, expand the space and then (hopefully) settle. I feel antsyunsettled right now, there are a couple of nexi for that feeling.

1) Moving. Well, I don't have to move. . .but I have to get things settled. We don't have a third person for our apartement yet and (a different) we haven't cleaned yet. I want to go to Arizona this weekend for another PTQ. . .to go to Boston. Side note: I was thinking about Boston, which of course would mean checking up on The Ex, Alyssa. That wouldn't really be a big bad deal for me, or even like the 'lets see who's done better' version of the 10 highschool reunion. But, its looking more and more like Arizona is just a bad idea. Le sigh.

2) Relationships. I've started dating. Robin is 29, works in management, etc. I met her sat so we haven't had a lot of hanging out time. . .but we rolled together so that has a way of playing 'getting to know you' pretty fast. Its a strage mental state though, sometimes I feel the need to monitor my thoughts, to keep the ambience of the conversation away from negativity. . .but I just can't ignore the spices that come from the concoction brewing in my brain. Little by little. . .it does feel like a pressure cooker up there though. I'm thinking about the situation a lot, which is something I haven't really done for 3-4 years. I've been pretty easy going, balanced, peaceful towards life but waging war introspectively, etc. But now. . .I feel like-

white fingers overload
my mind buckles
and i shiver at the intrusion
at memory's exclusion
ready to break
for real
close and those
fingers dance around
periphery, i could be
i'magining them
reality is blurrs as
reason yields probabilites
and I guess
at what happened
guess, guess
but never remember. . .
. . .what I was to do.

That reminds me of my sentiment about reincarnation. . .I feel out of place so much. . .and I link that thought to my north node, a supposed past life as a spiritual leader. And if that link is valid, my ineptitude with the secular gains a potential reason. But thats not really the point. . .I could get wrapped up in telling tales of things I remember and feeligns and channeling. . .but thats not really progressive here, now. Ugh. I think I need to get in touch with meg.

Current Mood: moodwing whiskey
Tuesday, June 18th, 2002
3:28 am
reflection-name, i love you
i was at work today when I had a really random memory come up. When I was around 17 my parakeet, Chirpa died. . .he was 14 or 15. . .he'd been around pretty much my whole life. I remember coming home after school and telling him how my day went, what life was like, what the weather was like. . .I don't know what kind of coping mechanism that is, but it worked. I cried a lot and eventually I stopped making trips out to the backyard (where we burried him) and accepted his passing. The memory came up because I listened to the GooGoo Doll's song 'Name' a lot during that period, as it reminded me of Chirpa. It made me think about how relationships develop between people as life changes and how you can hold that dear.

it got me thinking about sadness though. Towards the end of his life, we didn't really do much with Chirpa. When I was younger, we used to take him out of his cage and have him sit on our shoulders (and poop ;) ) and fly around the house. But as he got older (and I got older) we all had less and less time for him. . .so we would talk to him now and then, but for the most time we got caught up in daily life and didn't really have much time for him. But when he was gone, I set aside half an hour to an hour a day to go and talk to him after school. I'd listen to the GGD's song and think about him and cry.

Granted he was a big part of my life. There were a lot of memories he was involved in. . .but he wasn't important to me on a daily basis until after he died. I wonder about my sadness over his passing. . .was it that there would be no more happiness between the two of us? Perhaps I was sad that life had come to this turn of events. But with all the most likely cases I could think of, it was based on me. I was sad because he wasn't there anymore. I wasn't sad because he was dead per say, I was sad because I had been deprived. He had been taken away from me and I wasn't ready for that.

"I think about you all the time,
but I don't need to sing. . .
if its lonely where you are
come back down
and I won't tell 'em
your name."

give It up, and make them welcome.

Current Mood: awareness is a virtue
Friday, June 14th, 2002
2:04 am
metaphorical you, of course.
belfast, wasted. . .again. I find myself here again, the music is inspiration for blueprints on a dance floor, my mind wanders in clarity, set free, it finds evactly where it needs to be. And silence. Here, amidst the bodies sweating, smiling, seducing, this is where I find silence, focus. This is where my mind clears and my conscious wanders to pertinant issues. How can I explain? How can I let you inside my head? I'm beyond open or closed, up or down, I simply am, existing, unknowing.

words vibrate over water, through color, sound. . .an imagined audience- I'm on stage as far as I'm concerned, this is when I feel truely close to people, eyes on them, song in the air. I hope they enjoy.

and now for something completely different, a credo of sorts.

everything you do, consume, think effects you.
your body, your chemestry reacts to your thoughts
your intake, be aware, be aware.

I think awareness is the greatest gift that one can give to yourself. . .its a gift I've found myself wanting to give to others, but its hard enough to pry open one's own eyes. That leaves me wondering. . .wandering. . .what to do, where to go. Something will come up, I have faith. Every day, my view on life become more realistic, more objective, down to earth. Everyday, my perspective allows things to exist comfortably. . .this is growing up, this isn't getting old, this is living with awareness. this. is. blossoming.

Current Mood: peaceful, reflecting on the day
Sunday, June 9th, 2002
1:13 pm
last night, they all said. . .
Yesterday was a Pro Tour Qualifier for Boston. . .Costa Mesa, all day magic. I was playing with Chris and Joe, we were coming off a win against some slacky draft opponents thursday night. . .the format was team sealed. So, I'll cut to the chase. We win the first six rounds and its the seventh round. The guys we are playing against need a win to make it in, so we play it out and we are just working them over. . .but ended up conceding to them so they could make T4. Our thoughts were that we would play them first round with our sealed decks and beat them again to make it into the finals, but it was not to be. We met another team we had already beated. . .and beat them again to make the finals against the guys we conceeded to round 7. So, they're much better drafters that we are and they worked us in the finals. I won my game, Joe got smoked in 3 and Chris says he snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. That hurts. . .if Chris had won we would have each gotten $250 and an invite to the show. . .Pro Tour Boston. So thats a cold and broken hallelujah. . .but I had such a blast yesterday, joking around and winning. Its a light confidence, running a PTQ like that.

Another of the guys I play cards with, Danny said that we should have never let them in T4 or if we did that they had to concede to us in the finals. . .and there is some validity to that. We conceded to them because we know them and they're good guys. But. . .damn, they gave us one of their boxes and they're going to the show. . .

I don't feel bad or regretful of anything that happened yesterday. . .I do with we could have gotten to the show though. . .the fuckin' show. . .

Current Mood: The Soon to be Thug Allstars
Monday, June 3rd, 2002
11:57 am
cookie cutters falling down, falling down, falling down. . .
its the weirdest thing. . .after late clubbing, I have the oddest sleep schedule. Its usally when I roll though; I'll crash around 5/6 and wake up 8 or nine, go back to sleep for a few hours and repeat the process until I get up sometime between 10 and noon. Post-Sandra was that way. . .that really speaks subtle volumes to how her set/the evening was.

It started out with cleaning. . .its nice to feel like my life is getting back in order. Then to Brenny's house where we watched some tube and had some tea. We met Cindy at her place and her cousin shortly after. It was polarity. . .her cousin seemed to have an us and them attitude towards myself and Brenny, but thats ignorable. Anyway, we got super hooked up. . .back elevator entrance, sans cover, into the club, free drink. . .made the us and them theory even more ignorable.
The evening faded on with beats, glowsticks and words in spheres of crystal from J to C - little drops of hope to bridge a percieved gap of understanding. C ended up leaving early though, having partied hard the night before and worked that day. . .

. . .I'm waking up earlier again, like there is a purpose. . .I have hope that its not just my optimism towards her, I've seen this morning view fade past the sunset and into night before and its not something I care to watch happen again. Matter of fact, I see the genesis of this perspective, a root that reaches out to shine down light, coloring all I see. I see. . .I see. . .

And then Sandra came on. And she fuckin' tore that place in half. The energy appeared suddenly in her songs, keeping her from being predictable. But it just didn't stop. . .I remember looking at the clock and seeing 1:42 am, then going up for a cigarette, talking with a girl I met for a while, going back downstairs to dance with her. . .and then it was 4 am all of a sudden. I highly recomend seeing Sandra live if you're able.

Current Mood: shopping, budgeting
Wednesday, May 29th, 2002
11:21 am
snake fighting. . . life. . .strong food and sweet drink, at midnight
its all backwards from the way I want it to be. I can be so insightful with others sometimes, and I want to fix, remedy, assist. . .but its not to be so. Its really frustrating, especially when I get a lot of my gratification from others.

I can see back now. . .I'm seven again, its late, i'm laying in bed in Aldea, the student housing of UCSF Med/Dental school. My mom is laying beside me, I'm crying uncontrolably, and I don't know why. . .the pain is so deep, not pain, grief. . .the words aren't forming from feelings yet, and they've only started to 16 years later. I'm telling her how I want to die. . .how I just want out from this burden. . .and as the crying subsided, i remember feeling like drying ground in the sunlight after a hurricane, like it was all a bad dream. . .but the imprints of the dream were real, evident, they linger in apprehension still. . .like the storm might come back to catch me unsuspecting. . .and my mother playing with my hair as I faced away from her, towards the wall, her words still echo, "oh, jay jay, carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. . ."

When I was 16, I talked to a complete stranger about my natal chart. I was sitting in the attic, a dimly lit room with off white carpet and wooden walls, a soft glow at night time. She was in Houston, my father arranged it. . .
. . .she told me of a nothern node, she said I was a spiritual leader in my last life. . .I was thinking back to those words at work tonight. . .maybe the northern node doesn't represent what you were in your last life, but inclinations in this life. Or perhaps my past life seeps through to this one, she did tell me I was a 'one-lifer', then again I've always been skeptical about someone telling me i'm important. . .its just been a dream of mine since I can remember. . .I swear I never had the happy, warm, protected childhood. . .I just don't know how to do that. Many times a day, I feel like meditating, about stricture. . .about wondering why I play games, why my fear influences me so strongly. . .

. . .I'd like to hold you, I've got my desires for something serious. . .something grounded, monogamous. . .it's own form of commitment. . .but I'm almost ready to tell you, break the seal of my mind and let the words spill out, but it might be too soon, I've always had an eye for the future, watching things progress in seconds when it would take hours, days. . .maybe years. . .

life springs up from the box, drink from the box, yeah. . .bruce lee. hang on, hang on.

Tina lives in Berlin, her voice so seldom on my machine, is here tonight and i'm on the market and when I'm on the market, words move fast and wild, clouds move thin between us, lack of skin, lack of salty skin, for a seed, of fat circles, smilin' smilin', her voice so. . .intentionally smilin', the clouds between us. . .and these are my intentions. Pushin', pushin', pushin', pushin', pushin'. . .push. . .up, up, up, up, up. Look at the (blonde), its carryin' something, its carryin' me, I'm someone I used to be, great plastic someone, blue pastic girl, look at your creed, its pushin'. . .pushin', pushin'. . .up, up. . .push, a little coffee for the unbelievers. . .the faces are watchin' her, she's watchin' the faces, watchin' her. . .

i've been this way for days. . .

Current Mood: focused, again. . .hopeful
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